What Should I Say to Someone Who Is Depressed?
Here are the right words to use when someone confides in you.
An estimated 280 million people struggle with depression, according to the World Health Organization, which makes it one of the leading illnesses across the globe. Depression can be an isolating and overwhelming condition. To show your support and help reduce the stigma around mental health issues, it’s helpful to know what to say to someone who is depressed.
It’s okay if you don’t know what you should say if a friend tells you they are struggling or shows signs they’re having a hard time. We undoubtedly want to be there for our friends and family who confide in us about their struggles, but sometimes, it can be difficult to find the right words to say or the appropriate advice to offer. We don’t want to say the wrong thing or unintentionally offend someone with our words — but we also don’t want to say too little and lead someone to believe that we don’t care about their experiences. Learning what to say can open up a meaningful conversation about mental health and help someone who is struggling understand that they are not alone.
Here are the right words to use when someone confides in you:
1. Validate their feelings and listen
The number one thing you can do for a friend or loved one who is struggling with depression is listen. You don’t need to solve their problems. When you actively listen, repeat what they’re telling you — in your own words — back to them, to communicate that you understand and are engaged in the conversation.
To have somebody listen and validate what [you’re] saying can make it feel like, OK, I’m not alone in this.
Most teens who have felt depressed say that the number one thing they want from their friends and family isn’t solutions — it’s validation. They say that they don’t want to be ‘fixed,’ they just want someone to listen to what they’re going through, acknowledge how they feel, and be there for them.
Saying things like ‘I hear you, sounds like you’re not doing well right now,’ can seem simple, but really make an impact on the person you’re listening to.
Remember it isn’t your job to cure someone with depression — they may need professional help and medication — but you can be there for them.
2. Ask them What they Need
Rather than jump to solutions after someone has told you that they’re depressed or struggling to cope, ask them what they might need. Doctors points out that a common symptom of depression is feeling like a burden, so someone might not come out and directly express what kind of support could help. Posing the question lets that person know that you want to ease that burden and gives them the opportunity to verbalize what they need.
They may say nothing, or they may have a specific ask, like ‘Hey, can you check in on me for the next few days? It helps me know someone is there looking out for me’.
3. Remind them of Ways to Get Help
“People often don’t know, or forget, that depression is treatable just like any medical condition, like asthma or diabetes”.
Just like a physical condition, mental health conditions can be treated with an array of treatments, from professional counselling to self-care and medication. If you’ve listened to your friend’s struggles with depression and understand that they’re open to advice, try to remind them of these resources that are available to them, including therapy, speaking to a school counsellor, telehealth, online support groups, mental health apps, and websites.
Doctors emphasize the importance of reaching out to a trusted adult or professional for help, if possible. Depression is a serious mental health condition. If you’re worried about your friend, getting them help or enlisting someone who can like a parent or teacher, may be the best thing you can do for them. “It only takes that one to change the trajectory of someone’s life.
Doctors also recommends sharing your healthy coping mechanisms, whether it be meditation, journaling, going for daily walks, or listening to your favourite song or podcast. By explaining what coping skills work for you, your friend or loved one might feel encouraged to find one for themself. You could even ask if they want to join you in your healthy habits every now and then, such as going for a walk a couple of nights a week or doing a deep breathing exercise together.
4. Do not Dismiss or Make Light of their Feelings
Depression and mental health conditions do not have an on-off switch, and it’s harmful to imply that they do. Using phrases such as “snap out of it” or “get over it” can make someone feel invalid.
Try not to be dismissive or make light of their depression as ‘not a big deal’. It’s also best not to try to encourage them to ‘snap out of it,’ as people say that that feels really invalidating and they feel like the other person doesn’t really understand the extent of how bad the depression is, or that snapping out of it is not in their control in the first place.”
Also, don’t tell them to “look at the bright side” or try to “find a silver lining.” “Often, when people are feeling depressed, they don’t necessarily see a bright side, and if they did, saying that can feel like you’re not hearing how badly they’re feeling or letting them express the dark side too.
Finally, don’t try to speculate or guess why they are depressed or are feeling symptoms of depression. Although that’s often well-intentioned, it can come off as insensitive and usually isn’t accurate. Instead, wait for them to describe their situation or their triggers, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Or ask them thoughtful questions like, “How long have you been feeling like this?”.
5. Avoid Assumptions
It’s not always evident that someone is struggling with depression, so don’t assume that someone is okay because they seem okay on the outside. Some people are better at masking their emotions than others.
You’d be surprised sometimes if you could hear what people are really going through, and you never know the full story unless you’re in their head.
If someone tells you they’re struggling, believe them and try to help them get the resources they need.
There are also a number of warning signs to look for that might hint that someone is depressed, or even suicidal. Doctors list the following symptoms as warning signs to look out for: saying “no” to plans, not responding to texts, not posting on social media, changes in sleeping patterns (sleeping a lot or not much at all), changes in eating patterns (eating a lot or too little), seeming disconnected, becoming quickly irritable, expressing feelings of hopelessness, or any marks of cutting, burning, or self-harm. She also notes that talks of being a burden can signal that someone is having suicidal thoughts.
A change from ‘normal,’ e.g., not seeming like oneself — being quieter than usual or more withdrawn, being more sarcastic or caustic, seeming distracted or unfocused can indicate that someone is depressed or struggling even if they don’t explicitly verbalize it.
If you notice any of these symptoms and are concerned for your friend’s safety, go to a trusted adult for help immediately. Depression is a serious mental health condition, and if you believe or know that there’s a threat to oneself, it’s imperative to tell an adult who can get them the help they need.
At that point, safety is more important than everything, even confidentiality. And if they’re really your friend, they’ll later understand that you did it to help.
6. Try to have these Conversations In-Person
It’s OK to have these conversations over text or on the phone, but it’s so beneficial to talk face-to-face.
If someone texts you and shares that they’re depressed, you could ask them to hop on a call. You could also call them immediately — as mentioned earlier, Doctors notes that feeling like a burden is a symptom of depression, so even if someone wants to talk over the phone, they might not initiate that because they don’t want to feel like an imposition.
If you choose to talk over text, or someone emphasizes their wish to only text, be mindful of what you type out — sometimes, certain messages can get misinterpreted.
“Before you hit ‘send’ on that message, try to picture receiving that message from someone else. How would it feel? How might you interpret it? Taking that moment to pause can really help.
And if you don’t know exactly what to say, it’s OK to verbalize that.
It’s fair for somebody to say to their friend, ‘I really want to help you, but I feel stuck and I’m not quite sure what to say, and I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. You’re still showing that person that you’re there for them and you’re ready to support them in any way they need.
Therapy can significantly help individuals navigate depression, anxiety, or any mental health condition, and alleviate some of their symptoms.
Unfortunately, therapy is not as accessible or affordable as it should be. However, there are a number of lower-cost alternatives to consider. While some therapists offer appointments on a sliding scale — which means their rates are dependent on an individual’s income — you can also speak to a school counsellor or guidance counsellor.
There are government-funded community mental health centres that typically provide services at a reduced rate. There are also telehealth providers, online support groups, and websites.
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